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UNA SMOKER !In response to the escalating letter cigarette campaign by the UNA SMOKER, (the mysterious individual who keeps sending the staff of the Knockbonya Express and our children, duty free cigarettes), we have decided to publish the UNA SMOKER'S MANIFESTO in the hopes that someone from Slievegullynackymore, Knockaunboulalickybeg, Gleann na Rí or Gort na Mbob areas will recognise the handwriting and help Garda Dan Corcaran locate this crazed serial smoker. Naturally THE KNOCKBONYA EXPRESS distances itself from the opinions expressed below:PANIC NOW KNOCKBONYA IS IN DANGER OF GLOBIFICATION Our cherished unique Knockbonyan Way of Life is under threat. The threat can not be seen, smelled, scratched or whacked on the head with a gnarly stick. It doesn't show up under the microscope. Yet in a matter of months it entirely erodes the dynamic human psyche until there is nothing left but a chilled vegetable such as a metaphorical carrot named 'Gordon' or a radish in human form named 'Cecily'. I've seen it happen. Honest !!!! It's like I am Charlton Heston in a apocalyptic Zombie Conspiracy movie, all alone fighting back, but without owning a large American car. It's bad enough with passive smoke inhalation, global warming, rising oceans, holes in the ozone and angry cow disease, not to mention the myriad dangerous unseen parasitic microbes with names we can't even pronounce conspiring to undermine our planet and its fragile ecobalance. These threats have names and interactive Web sites (some of which I design), but this new thing is the most dangerous of all because so-called 'Scientists" and 'Political Leaders' deny that it even exists. They laughed when I said smoking causes cancer. They scoffed when I said some day they'll make computers shaped like brief cases. They pretended not to understand when I said the amplitude of light refraction is geometrically bifurcated in zero gravity environments. They even thought I was crazy when I said my refrigerator is a time machine and that I have frozen peas from the year 2019 to prove it !!!! (I've also had chips with Ireland's future leader, Pól Poitín! ) But soon they won't be laughing or scoffing or ignoring me anymore. Just wait until they see the last vestige of Knockboynan culture slip away. Then we'll see who's right . They'll come to me and say: 'Séamus Ó Flatharta you were right all along Please oh Please save us !!!!!!' But by then it will be too late because I'll be out driving around in a large American car running over zombie's left, right and centre. The time to do something is now. That's why the letters and the cigarettes. I was right about the fags and I'm right about this. So listen while there's still time: First of all, since no one else has given this vampirific demon a name l will: 'Globification' Here's how it works. A young innocent person enters the vortex and begins listening to too much funky music. Then begins a subtle reduction in temperature producing a CHILL effect. All initiative, all drive, and spark and spontaneity begins to be drained away. The capacity for Joy and passion ebbs away. Constipation, unnecessary organ donation, unusual trouser lengths begin to manifest themselves. Then even more frightening outward changes occur. For example, the development of eternal good looks despite an unhealthy lifestyle. There is an unnatural absence of body odour which give a surreal twist to all dealings with sufferers. This might be due to the drainage of blood and its replacement by E-D-4: a chemical preservative used in the fast food industry. Externally: Everyone begins to look the same and sound the same. Meanwhile, an internal compressor tumour begins to grow which filters out original thought, imagination, inspiration, flashes of genius, sunlight, moonlight and healthy foods (such as parsnips). - until finally they think the same. The development of a new dialect of English continuously punctuated by vacant smiles, giggles and nervous laughter then further stifles any ability to genuinely communicate. What is most disturbing is that I've isolated the neurological D 4 Mimic receptors which amplify this tranquil stuporification. These cannot be removed. Our genetic make-up leaves us forever vulnerable ! This thing makes cocaine look like a highly addictive opiate !!! I've tried to treat some of the sufferers but not one will willingly enter my time machine. Explain THAT to the members of the so-called 'Respectable Scientific Community'. I have observed this over and over again - All to the same effect: Fragile Cultures, Linguistic Uniquenesses, Personal Aberrations, Idiosyncratic Quirks,Foibles, Tastes Preferences all are sucked away into the nebula. And the ultimate horror my fellow Knockboynans ??? Even the most Chronic & Terminal Knockboynan Spadgy cannot resist. They all emerge EXACTLY THE SAME.
Dark Corner of Poetrynipple bullseyeby Mia LubuffA strangers breast jellies shoulderward Its partner flinching threat of jerking elbows nipple bullseye bound with the next jolt of bad drivers braking. Heels into insteps jam two weary waiters join rummaging the packed bodies for a place to put their own . Winter washed faces thaw into groggy heat merging with the trance of those before them. Arses strain through knickers ridge battered shoes shuffle skin sucked by gravity sags. Tossed in the current of motion floundering for breath. A struggle to juggle kits and kaboodles backpacks and noodles plastered to the iron rail in the panic of a sharp corner. Hands scorched by fellow flesh recoil in muttered sorries |
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